The (Potential) Upside of Coronavirus

Originally posted: 27 March 2020

I’m glad I grew up in the 80s, when we still had a future. Now, any sense of certainty about what the next month, year, or decade may bring is truly gone. For the first time since 1945, the entire world is living under a wartime mentality. What was unthinkable just a week ago is now grim reality and we have no choice but to deal with it the best we can.

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Confessions of a Racist

Originally posted: 22 November 2018

Warning: this article contains personal opinions, trigger points, sweeping generalisations, and subjective conclusions based on anecdotal evidence. It is the start of a discussion, not the final word. Proceed at your own risk.

I – Growing up Racist

It’s taken me a long time to admit it, but I am a racist. Not a proud one, mind you. More like a reluctant racist who has finally decided to come clean so that I may better understand this shameful part of my psyche and thereby go into remission.

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South Africa – How Fucked Are We?

Originally posted: 20 February 2015

Scared-Face

Yassis, I’m depressed about the state of our nation. And that worries me. I’ve always been the one who is upbeat about South Africa (you know the one). I love my country deeply. It is part of my identity, part of my self. I just can’t imagine living anywhere else. And yet…

The events of the last few days have shaken me. I’m unsettled, anxious. My usual confident bluster is faltering. And I don’t like it.

So, I thought I would try to write out my conflicting thoughts and emotions; try to make sense of recent events as they relate to my (and our collective) future.

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Sandringham ‘Township’ is a misnomer

Originally posted: 8 November 2013

Recently, I saw an alarmist post making the rounds on social media and email. It reads, in part: “I am not sure if you are all in the Glenhazel/ Sandringham, Fairmount area – but if you do have any connection there, then please get involved in the proposed development of a mixed-use Township which is planned for the area surrounding the Sandringham police station.”

There is more than one type of 'Township'
There is more than one type of ‘Township’

Clearly, this is a cause for concern – except that it isn’t.

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How do you solve a problem like Malema? Part Three – At least we don’t live in North America

Originally posted: 2 September 2012

For Part One, click here.

For Part Two, click here.

Of course, Malema isn’t a uniquely South African problem, or even an African problem. Every country in the world has its Malemas; those hate-filled zealots who fervently believe that what they are right and everyone else is wrong. In a way, it’s something to be admired. Such strong beliefs are usually a sign that people are invested in the issue – they have a lot at stake. Why else would they care so much?

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How do solve a problem like Malema? Part Two – Julius and Stalin

Originally posted: 1 September 2012

For Part One, click here.

Here’s the rub about Julius Malema: he is a troll that feeds off attention. But we can’t stop reporting on him because he is a very dangerous troll who needs to be tracked at all times. And that’s why I’m breaking my self-imposed vow to stop writing about Malema, lest I make him stronger. Recent events have forced a re-think in the way we handle this little sociopath. He can’t simply be ignored anymore. He needs to be stopped.

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How do you solve a problem like Malema? Part One – Don’t feed the trolls

Originally posted: 31 August 2012

OK, seriously, you guys. Julius Malema is a troll, and we have to stop feeding him. To be clear, I’m not talking about the mythical beast of Norse legend. I’m talking about the modern kind of troll – strange denizens of the web who prowl internet comments boards and social media sites, grabbing attention with provocative statements and then drinking in the affirmation or vitriol – makes no difference.

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Name That Theme Song – the kiddies edition

Originally posted: 25 July 2012

Here’s a special kiddies edition of the Theme Song Quiz – featuring 10 title tracks from cartoons and kids shows. With one or two long-running exceptions, these shows were wildly popular back in the day (along with LPs, cassettes and other analogue gadgets that are all but unknown to anyone born after 1985). So enjoy the blast back into your halcyon past and please let me know what you think…

TV Theme Song Quiz – the kiddies edition

For the answers, click here (password: tvthemesongs).

If you want to try your hand at the other editions, just click on the Quiz tab in the menu above.

Peter O’Toole – always the bridesmaid…

Originally posted: 13 July 2012

From Wikipedia
Peter O’Toole as Lawrence of Arabia

The great actor, Peter O’Toole has announced his retirement from acting. Now aged 80, this idiosyncratic thespian said it was time to ‘chuck in the sponge’ and that he bids the profession ‘a dry-eyed and profoundly grateful farewell’.

It’s a great loss because he was truly one of a kind; a powerful presence wrapped in a fragile beauty that captivated both stage and screen. In his youth, the Irish-born O’Toole was known as a hell-raising, hard-drinking iconoclast who played by his own rules. And even in his dotage, he projected a devil-may-care insouciance that was irresistible. He was always one of my favourites.

The real tragedy of this news, however, is that it means the towering O’Toole will never win his Oscar. True, he’s won BAFTAs, Golden Globes and an Emmy – and he even won an honorary Academy Award for his body of work (a poor consolation, somewhat akin to getting the Miss Personality prize at a beauty pageant). But he’s never won a proper acting Oscar, despite being nominated a record 8 times.

His last nomination was for Venus, in 2006, and I clearly remember his face when they announced Forest Whitaker as the winner for ‘The Last King of Scotland’. It was a brittle mask of civility that barely concealed an ocean of disappointment, frustration and resignation. I was gutted on his behalf.

And it is somewhat incomprehensible that this towering figure has never received the Oscar. From his breakthrough role as Lawrence of Arabia in David Lean’s masterpiece, to his show-stopping performance as Henry II in ‘The Lion in Winter’, to ‘The Ruling Class’, to ‘The Stunt Man’, to the ‘The Last Emperor’, to ‘My Favourite Year’, to ‘King Ralph’ – Peter O’Toole always transcended the material (whether good, bad or indifferent) to deliver an engaging performance every time.

Yet the old pro could never crack the Oscars and ruefully accepted his fate to be ever the bridesmaid, never the bride (hence his ‘dry-eyed’ comment above, IMHO).

Then again, why am I surprised at the 50 years of Academy snubbery? The Oscars are, after all, a pretty unreliable indicator of quality – especially in the glaring light of hindsight. Alfred Hitchcock never won an Academy Award from his 5 nominations. Charlie Chaplin never won an Oscar (with only one real nomination). Stanley Kubrick (4 nominations), Robert Altman (5 nominations), Cecil B. DeMille (1 nomination), Orson Welles (1 nomination), Sam Peckinpah (no nominations) – none of these historically important directors ever got their hands on the golden statuette (apart from a couple who received an honorary ‘Miss Personality’ award, which don’t count).

The record’s no better when it comes to actors. Richard Burton (7 noms), Cary Grant (2 noms), Glenn Close (6 noms), Kirk Douglas (3 noms), Albert Finney (5 noms), Greta Garbo (4 noms), Deborah Kerr (6 noms), Peter Sellers (2 noms), Errol Flynn, Edward G. Robinson, Donald Sutherland, Fred Astaire and dozens of other significant figures never got the nod from the voters in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. And yet Hilary Swank’s won two! It’s enough to make you choke on your popcorn.

And don’t even get me started on the winners for Best Picture…

So, with such a spotty track record, why are the Oscars still considered the gold standard for film excellence? Truthfully, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because AMPAS has the most recognisable statuette, with the best nickname. Or maybe it’s the expensive awards show. Or maybe their press agents are just really good. Or maybe it’s just a matter of heritage – the one thing in Hollywood that can’t be bought.

What I can tell you is that the membership of AMPAS (i.e. the people who vote) is neither diverse nor adventurous. Although the exact details are shrouded in secrecy, the LA Times has done some digging and come up with the following stats about the people who ultimately decide to whom the Oscar goes. And it’s no shock to discover that it all comes down to old, rich, white men.

In fact, out of the roughly 6000 members of AMPAS (lifetime membership by invitation only, BTW) 94% are white, 77% are male and 64% have never even received so much as an Oscar nomination – in fact only 50% have appeared onscreen in the last two years, and ‘hundreds’ haven’t worked on a film in decades. Furthermore, the average age of the Oscar voter is 62, with people under 50 comprising just 14% of the organisation.

Not that any of this matters, in the greater scheme of things. The Oscars will continue to peddle its particular blend of hype and hyperbole, and Peter O’Toole will go down in history as one of the greats – with or without an Academy Award on the mantle. I can only wish him a pleasant retirement and hope that he may still be coaxed out for the occasional role (he’d make a killer King Lear).

In conclusion, allow me to quote one of the most chilling and revealing discussions about war I’ve ever heard, from Lawrence of Arabia – delivered to perfection by the peerless Peter:

Lawrence:
I killed two people. One was… yesterday? He was just a boy and I led him into quicksand. The other was… well, before Aqaba. I had to execute him with my pistol, and there was something about it that I didn’t like.

General Allenby:
That’s to be expected.

Lawrence:
No, something else.

General Allenby:
Well, then let it be a lesson.

Lawrence:
No… something else.

General Allenby:
What then?

Lawrence:
I enjoyed it.

Name That Theme Song – the 16mm edition

Originally posted: 11 July 2012

OK, so this is how old I am… I remember the days before television. That’s right. When I was born, there was no TV. But I’m not yet 40 (almost, but not yet, dammit) so how is this possible? Well, it’s all because I was lucky enough to be born a South African.

You see, under the benighted apartheid regime, those lovable Nationalists believed that television was the ‘devil’s own box’; a means for ‘disseminating communism and immorality’ – like so many baked beans spewing out over Ann-Margaret in ‘Tommy’. Thus, they banned the medium entirely; refusing this filthy tool of dissolution access to our nice, clean, white homes. Bless ’em.

We even missed the moon landing (which was probably seen as a  blasphemy anyway). But despite being dismissed as a backward pariah nation by the rest of the world – for a whole bunch of reasons – the government held fast. According to Wikipedia, Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd compared television with atom bombs and poison gas, claiming that ‘they are modern things, but that does not mean they are desirable. The government has to watch for any dangers to the people, both spiritual and physical.’ What a mensch!

Even worse, Dr Albert Hertzog, Minister for Posts and Telegraphs, said that TV would come to South Africa ‘over [his] dead body,’ denouncing it as ‘a miniature bioscope over which parents would have no control.’ But his biggest fear was that, with the advent of television, ‘South Africa would have to import films showing race mixing; and advertising would make [non-white] Africans dissatisfied with their lot.’ Ah, the good old days!

But for all the King Canutes trying to order back the tide, the power of television cannot be stopped and finally, in 1976, the verkramptes relented. The first television station was duly launched by the government-run South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC) and we have been playing catch up ever since.

So, what did we do for fun before the Devil’s Box came to town? Well, we just sat down in the lounge, put up a screen and consumed our media from the teat of a large, noisy 16mm projector. It was a fantastic ritual: first, we’d rent movies and episodes of dated American TV shows from the local film exchange. Then, we’d thread the supple celluloid through the projector’s marvelous concantenation of cogs and wheels. Finally, we’d flip the switch and feel the heat of the lamp as the header counted us down.

I can still remember watching, enthralled, as the reel spooled out at 24 frames per second – struggling to hear the dialogue over the sprokety rat-a-tat of the projector. Then, the screen would go white and you heard the slap-slap-slap of the film strip hitting the back of the projector. That was your cue to jump up and change the reel. It was an exhilaratingly mechanical process. And it’s the way I fell in love with movies.

To honour those long lost days of my youth, I have put together another Theme Song Quiz featuring TV shows that I first watched on 16mm. Some of them are pretty old, so you’ll have to put on your granny pants – but see how many you can get. And if you have no idea what 16mm is, forget about it!

TV Theme Songs 4

For the answers, click here

Pop Pilgrims visit the real-life locations behind famous movie scenes

Originally posted: 13 July 2012

One of my favourite features on the excellent AV Club website is the Pop Pilgrims series – a fascinating look at real-life locations that were featured in memorable movies scenes. From the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house, to the Exorcist steps, to the Night of the Living Dead cemetery – the Pop Pilgrims team travels around the states to check out these immortal sites and see how they look in the banal, quotidian light of the 21st century.

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Name that Theme Song – part three

OK, you lucky people. You asked for it (in my dreams) so here it is – the third ‘Name that theme song’ quiz. This time I’ve focused on sitcoms from the 70s and 80s. So, prepare to travel back to the days of yore and see if you can name all 10 TV themes  included in the clip. But be warned, it isn’t all Jesse Frederick and Miller/Boyett. There are a couple of obscurities thrown in for good measure. And don’t even think about playing along if you were born after 1985. Stupid youngster!

As before, send me a comment crying ‘uncle’ and I’ll send you an email with the answers. I am trying to work out an elegant solution for providing the answers on-line but until then, you’re at my mercy.

You’re welcome!

Name That Theme Song – part 3

LMFAO / Star Wars Cantina Band mashup

Thanks to the hardworking ‘journalists’ at Cracked.com, I came across this brilliant little piece of serendipity. Watch what happens when you combine LMFAO’s annoying ‘Party Rock Anthem’ with the music from the Cantina scene out of Star Wars. A perfect fit! It’s stuff like this that makes the internet relevant. Now if we could only settle the Han vs. Greedo ‘who shot first’ controversy, we’d really be getting somewhere…

Name That Theme Song – Part 2

There was a flurry of comments about my previous  TV Theme Song quiz – all right, 2 – so I decided to upload another compilation of  familiar tunes from 10 TV shows of blessed memory.

This time, I’ve prepared two versions: regular and hard (settle down). They contain the same themes in the same order, but the hard version has much shorter samples – for real TV geeks like Frank.

BTW, Frank, I haven’t made them too obscure because I want this to be accessible to people other than yourself. And this time don’t post the answers so blatantly – you spoilsport. I’m trying to get people to register on my site!

Click on the clip of your choice below and enjoy…

TV Theme Songs 2 – regular

TV Theme Songs 2 – hard

Name That Theme Song!

OK, here’s a treat for you! I’ve been playing around with my editing software and, just for fun, I compiled an audio montage of 10 beloved theme songs from popular TV shows of decades past. Can you name them all? It’s harder than you think!

I will provide the answers via email  but you need to comment or subscribe to my blog so that I can get your email address. Preferably, subscribe – please! I personally guarantee to keep your details very private – no spam, pinky swear! To subscribe, just enter your details in the box at the bottom of the page.

If you enjoyed this compilation, please forward the link to your friends and don’t forget to comment on the blog (not just on Facebook). If the response is good,  I’ll consider making more…

Oh, and my sincere apologies if I have infringed any copyrights. It’s not malicious. Just think of it as sampling [smiley face].

TV Theme Songs 1

The Four-Chord Secret to Popular Music

I had long heard about the secret chord progression that has underpinned most popular music for the last 100 years. I even knew their names: C, A minor, F and G. But it took the Axis of Awesome to really bring it all home: every top 10 hit of the last 5 decades is really the same song! Check out this great little video if you don’t believe me. And thanks to my sister, Debbie, for pointing this one out.